It feels like yesterday that I held him in my arms for the first time — bewildered, tired, and very happy and thankful as he came into the world a month premature and completely healthy. I never believed in love at first sight until that day.

This month he started kindergarten. Where did the last five years go? He has been in daycare for a few years, so I thought this would not be hard on me at all. I had lived through the frantic, nonstop crying when he first started daycare at about a year old, gritting my teeth and digging my nails into my palms as I sat outside his daycare room, holding back my urge to run in and scoop him up in my arms.

Now he is a happy, healthy 5 year old raring to go. He is so eager and excited about starting "real school." This is going to be so easy, I thought.

Until that first full day of school when I stood outside the glass doors holding his hand. His kindergarten teacher had mentioned that the sooner he can walk to his room by himself, the better for him. So we had prepared ourselves and him to do it from day one. Hubby had chosen to wait in the parking lot, not feeling up to handling the goodbye at the door.

So here I was with the job of letting go. For a moment there, I wanted to walk past that door and all the way down the hallway with him. He sensed the hesitation in me and looked up questioningly. I forced myself to smile and said something about the backpack being heavy with all those school supplies. I gave him one last quick hug and put his backpack on his back. He walked in through the doors and down the hallway, my eyes following him the whole way.

And he never looked back, for which I am very grateful. I waited a whole minute after he went inside his room. Not that I thought he would come back out or something. It was more for my own sake than his, I suppose.

Four years ago, letting go had been difficult because he wanted to hold on to me. But now, letting go is difficult because he doesn't want to hold on to me.

--Swaha
Originally published September 11, 2011 on the TriangleMommies blog