I knew this day was coming.  Several times a year I would have to go do this thing I hated more than almost anything in the world.  And now in my post-baby body I was dreading it even more.  My annual OB exam you question?  Good try, but no.  Bra shopping?  I wish.  But lugging post nursing ta-tas in and out of unsuspecting bras is pretty bad enough.  No, it was time to buy new underwear.  Sigh.

Well, you say, just buy some where you always have shopped, what is the big deal?  Well, ever since Victoria Stupid Secret stopped carrying X-Large in their store (my post pregnancy size…gulp) I have been on the lookout for replacement brands.  Because, let’s face it ladies, when you have some good underwear on that doesn’t pinch, ride up, pull down, have saggy bottom, flap down because of a little belly in the front, we have a GREAT day.  You don’t know how great that day is until you have to wear crappy underwear that rides up, sags off, flaps down and generally makes you one bitchy woman. 

So off I went to Kohl’s, hey that 15% off coupon is coming in handy!  They have lots of brands to choose from, I must be able to find something there!   So one night, after putting Ethan to bed, out I went.  I must have grabbed every brand in multiple “cuts” to try on.  Yes, I try on new underwear over current underwear to make sure it indeed fits!  Fits over my belly, doesn’t reach up to my boobs like old lady panties or ride halfway up my back because even after having so many postpartum pounds I still have no butt!  So after a long time trying to avoid looking in the mirror at my reflection I decide on Vanity Fair bikini cut.  They are cotton with 5% spandex and perfectly comfortable!  I walk out excited holding 50 bucks worth of new undies.  Woo-hoo. 

So what’s the first thing you do with new undies?  Wash and dry them of course!  So excited to have new comfy underwear with no holes or worn out waistbands I yanked them out of the dryer still warm and pulled them on.  After a couple of hours of yanking them up, I take a closer look in the mirror.  Sigh.  The stupid panties have shrunk so much in the dryer I have crack showing.  Hmm…  Not attractive.  Does Kohl’s take back underwear?  Am I really going to take back underwear?  You betcha!  I exchanged all $50 bucks worth for the same brand/style but the next size up.  My thought process you ask…well, these will shrink and then they’ll be perfect! 

Did *they* shrink?  Of course not.  Did I test ONE pair to check my theory before unloaded packages into the washer and dryer excitedly?  *Heck* no.  Did I have to embarrass myself AGAIN at Kohl’s returning panties?  Umm yes! 

By now I am getting the raised eyebrow from the elderly sales lady at Kohl’s as I am refunding my panties once again.  This time around I have my almost one year old son with me.  Smiling sheepishly and blushing, I muttered an apology once again, receipt in hand along with my washed and perfectly repackaged undies.

I left, but not before giving it one last heave ho to find the “perfect panty”.  I eyed the underwear section critically and grabbed one more brand that had escaped my search previously.  Off to the changing room I went pushing the stroller on a mission!  Yanking down my shorts and avoiding looking in the mirror whilst keeping my cranky, walking eleven month old (yeah...I said eleven month old.  Whoever said it takes as long to lose the weight as it did to put it on clearly was blessed with different hormone and thyroid issues…but I digress.  That would be a whole ‘nother blog!)  entertained was the order of the hour.  Hmm…these don’t look so bad.  I almost look like I have an ass and I have just a smidge of a muffin top.  With this black Tee I am wearing, dare I say these might be it?  Holding the other two undies that attached to the one I am trying on (a 3 pack…what luck!) I tear my sight away from sucking in my gut in the mirror long enough to notice a leg disappearing under the 10 inch gap at the bottom of the dressing room door.  My eyes widen.  Oh snap.  My kid did NOT just escape the dressing room!  Crap, crap, crap.  Quick, pull shorts back on and risk him being lost amongst Kohl’s with his quick little chubby legs and his penchant for disaster?  Read: stitches, mishaps and mayhem!  Or take my half naked self with 2 pairs of underwear flapping against my nonexistent heiny, my black tee yanked down over the front of myself bent at the waist (you know, because somehow THAT makes you less noticeable!) chasing after a squealing baby?  Who, if could talk, would be saying in a very loud voice, “I’m free!!!!!  WEEEEE!” 

Well, choosing the latter, off I went hissing at him, “Get back here right now!” and praying this wouldn’t end up on YouTube.  Thank goodness I caught his left wrist pumping in excitement in the air while toddling in front of the bedding…yea…out in the big aisle.  Take a good look people…  I managed to pull him up in one swift motion that had been practiced many a times, body shield his adorable self in front of my flab and run like the wind back into the dressing room.  Back into the stroller he got snapped, screaming in denial of fun.  Off the panties went in the pile and my shorts got yanked back on.  With my large diaper bag, stroller with screaming child, red face, and thumping heart I walked out thinking screw this, I’m ordering off the internet!

I got home and that night ladies, I randomly went on to Victoria Stupid Secret’s website and there they were.  My underwear in XL was available for a shipping fee of 5 bucks.  Are you kidding me????  FIVE dollars and I could have avoided ALL this???  Click, click, save, purchase and ship!

Hmm...  Now that that is finished, my bras are looking a bit worn out.

*changed from slightly grumblier curse word for those who abhor swear words.

--Heather (hikingchic)